Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
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WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days