back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
You Might Also Like
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
When I grow up, I want to be 16
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
my sentiments exactly
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.