@kathybotteas

Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

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@pauleggleston

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

@GinRumMe

Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.

@causticbob

BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman

@NATxHAN

Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.

@illuminatedwndr

I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore

@the_gramble

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

@jonmsutton

Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay

@PJTLynch

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

@Jake_Vig

If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.