Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”

You Might Also Like


My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.


Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.


BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal

That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman


Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.


I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore


Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot


Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay


Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time


If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.