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I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet