Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
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*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
This probably isn’t good
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
i think both sides are to blame here
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.