Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
You Might Also Like
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
relationship goals
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”