Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
You Might Also Like
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…