[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
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this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
I hope Alan is OK
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
WHY would you be happy about this?
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
if you’re gonna break up with someone over dinner, make sure you do it after they order food but before it arrives so when they leave then you can finally be alone and you get two dinners
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives