Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
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mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.