@eleniZarro

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

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@WilliamAder

If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.

@PhuckinCody

[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”

@clichedout

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

@TweetPotato314

[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!

@ohhelloitsmax

I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…

@CherBear162

Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?

@WheelTod

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

@DestryBrod

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

@dubiousrhetoric

Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.