Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

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If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.


[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?

her: probably “ethereal,” it means-

me: mine is “shuttlecock.”


They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.


[Getting lucky on the first date]

Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!


I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…


Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?


I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.


If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.


Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.