@eleniZarro
@WilliamAder If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
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@WilliamAder 
@PhuckinCody [first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
@clichedout They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
@TweetPotato314 [Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
@ohhelloitsmax I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
@CherBear162 Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
@WheelTod I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
@Gupton68 Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
@DestryBrod If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
@dubiousrhetoric Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.