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I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.