back to work
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Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
*pronounces fake like saké*
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers