[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
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Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Just a reminder that a Cheesecake Factory menu counts as summer reading for your kids.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.