Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
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I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”