Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
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Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to hold their baby or help prepare food.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Retweet this and something good will happen at some point in the near future that you can choose to attribute to having retweeted this.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.