Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
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Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
next level snooze
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.