Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
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Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
We are the people our parents warned us about.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
*pats belly*
Stranger: Awww do you know what it is?
Me: Yes. Nachos.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.