Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
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The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
*praying for world peace*
God:
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.