BaD BoY!!
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Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
your honor my client chooses dare
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Tremendous stuff
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Ha.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
Okay, I’m still confused…
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball