Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
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Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Pharmacies could save a lot of hassle and just have customers walk through a denim detector to see if they’re cooking meth.