Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal

I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.

Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.

Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.

Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?

Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!

Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.

Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.

Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.

Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.

“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.

Screaming “YOU CANT OUTRUN THIS WE ARE ALL DOOMED!” at passing joggers from my window today

You can’t outrun your problems…

Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.

Important

to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other

Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.

There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix

My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.

Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.

Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”

Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.

Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.

I need a ride home.

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water

[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.

Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer