Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
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Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*