Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
You Might Also Like
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.