Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?
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Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
“i miss shittin on people”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…