Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
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CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?
ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.
[2AM]
ME:WIFE: Go to sleep.
ME: What if it is though?
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend