Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
You Might Also Like
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass