Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
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Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
[the middle of showering] I need a break
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets