Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
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Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I’m listening
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm