Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
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Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
multitasking lunch
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Person 1: You should do Yoga.
Person 2: Why would I ever do that little green guy from Star Wars? He’s not sexy at all.
Person 3: She means the picnic basket stealing bear, idiot.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.