Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.

Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “

DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT

During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids

Husband: What’s the nightmare part?

*rides in on giant turtle*

Me:Sorry I’m late.

Boss:You rode that to work?

Me:No, went to the zoo.

*phone rings*

Me:That’ll be the zoo.

[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re here

me: no

interviewer: very good

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.

HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.

Magician: Is this your card?

Me: Yes

Magician: And this?

Me: Yup

Magician: How about this one?

Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet

Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself

Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!

If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,

OH GOD WHY?!?

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!

Me: Impressive feet!

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.

Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh

When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.

If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.