Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
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She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.