Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
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My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.