BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
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Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
Him: Yah, I like my meat rare
Me: Rare? Like, unicorn you mean?
Him: ……
Me: Our mom’s are friends, you have to finish the date
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Child: [crying]
Me: OMG WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My science grade dropped to a B+!
Me [who at the age of 53 learned that a lamb is a baby sheep and not a completely different animal]: Well you’ll just have to try harder.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*