Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
You Might Also Like
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Just as the prophecy foretold
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili