#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
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microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
ME: *passing out little top hats* And this one’s for you. And this one’s for you
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the penguin enclosure
ME: Lol no
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Anyone want a chair?
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
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Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value