bad
worse
worst
worchester
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I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Mornin. * use accordingly
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback