Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
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All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.