Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
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Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
there’s probably a fee though
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in