Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
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Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Wait for it
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Fries, not lies.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
ME: [sitting in kitchen writing out bills]
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow tonight.
ME: I’d wait until next week.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?