Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?

eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips

Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.

I just want the sandwich he’s eating.

Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!

A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.

4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door

me: oh wow that’s silly

4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.

me: wait, what?

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

[ First day as a bartender ]

Me: *unzips customers pants*

Him: wtf!?

Me: you said make it stiff

Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.

But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.

Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.

(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)

ME: Ready?

KID: *angry bleating*

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien

[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money

Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.

Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.

Gyms are open !

Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)

I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.

If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.

I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!

Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.

*Turns on work computer*

*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*

*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*

The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.

Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.

Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.