Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
You Might Also Like
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.