Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
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You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
*calls wife*
me: Can you bring me a shirt?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.