BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
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Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
brian had himself a morning…
[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
Close call…
6: are snakes just neck?
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up