Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
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Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away