@AutumnSkye13

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

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@DaddyJew

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

@blade_funner

[the invention of tennis]

“I don’t want this ball.”

“Well, I don’t want it either.”

@ceejoyner

Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.

@reallifemommy3

Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me

@DanMentos

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

@cluedont

I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.

@AndyAsAdjective

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

@TheHyyyype

[cop writing me a ticket]

me: cmon can you just give me a warning?

cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket

@AyeshaASiddiqi

always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away