[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
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Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks