Baking is just science you can eat.
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Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery