[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*
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Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.