*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
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Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
These aliens are taking forever.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.