Baller is short for ballerina
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I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I think one of the main reasons I don’t believe in reincarnation is because I don’t like the idea that I’ve done all this before and am still so bad at it.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.