Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
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Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.