Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
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Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.
In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.