Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
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LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
happy mother’s day❤️
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
listen closely
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.