banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
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Attacked by a mop.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’